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Proper Funeral Etiquette
When someone dies, loved ones, friends, and others that have had a close relationship with the departed, wish to offer assistance to the family members left behind. More often than not, many are unsure how to go about it. What to say or do, how to act around the family, whether or not to visit the family, and should you attend the funeral are just a few of the myriad of questions that often arise. The following guidelines will ensure that you will be able to offer the family comfort and valuable assistance during this time of emotional turmoil.
Notification of death
If the person that passed away is a family member or close friend, call the family to see where the funeral service will be held and what the visitation hours will be. The support offered by your presence will be immensely comforting to the family during this difficult time. If the deceased is a business colleague or a friendly acquaintance, sending a flower arrangement, a thoughtful card, or a sympathy email are all appropriate ways to express your condolences to the family. Later, once the family has had a chance to deal with the shock and stress of planning and attending the funeral service, call the family to see when would be a good time to visit and extend your condolences in person.
What to say
Knowing what to say when someone passes away is never easy. Many people are not comfortable expressing their sympathy because they may feel a bit awkward. Many are afraid of saying something inappropriate. If you are a close friend to the family, or if the deceased is a family member, sometime the best thing you can do is to offer a hug and words of encouragement during this most difficult time. Ask what you can do for the family. They will have their hands full dealing with the funeral arrangements and may feel overwhelmed. It is helpful to have someone offer to help with the planning, the food and visitation arrangements, childcare, or any other needed assistance. This can go a long way towards making the experience easier to deal with for the surviving family members. If the person that has died is a business colleague or acquaintance, offer the condolences of the business community by telling the family that the departed was well liked and respected, and will be greatly missed. No matter whether the deceased is a family member, a friend, or a business colleague never ask for details of how the person died. The death of a loved one is a uniquely painful experience. Asking the family for details only serves to unnecessarily increase their pain.
Funeral attendance
The local newspaper should list the details of the funeral arrangements in the obituary for the deceased. If the family prefers a private service, only family and friends that have been personally invited by the family should attend the service. If the obituary does not state that the service will be private, the time and place for the funeral will be listed, and all are invited to attend. It is up to you to decide if you are comfortable attending the service if it is open to the public. If you decide against attending the service, at least send the family a sympathy card to convey your condolences.
What to do before the funeral
Before the service, there are a number of ways you can offer to assist the family. Offer to contact others with the funeral plans. You can also offer to greet visitors, answer the phone, organize the food preparation for the reception, straighten up the home or wash dishes, or help with accommodation arrangements for out of town family members and friends. With all the family has to deal with, offering to assist with these details can be an invaluable service to the family in their time of greatest need. If you have been invited to the reception following the funeral service, it is customary to bring a covered dish of some sort. Help coordinate the serving of food and drinks for the reception. Be sure to mark any dishes you bring to the reception with your name and contact information. This will be helpful in knowing who to return the dishes to after the reception.
What to wear to the funeral
In today’s modern times, it is no longer a requirement to wear only black to a funeral. The key to dressing appropriately for a funeral is to choose clothing that is tasteful, clean, and neat. Bright colors should be avoided, as should any item of clothing that would draw attention to unnecessary yourself. Dresses, a blouse and skirt, a business suit and tie, or slacks, a shirt, and a sports coat are all acceptable choices of attire.
At the funeral
Where the funeral service and internment will be held depends on the personal and religious preferences of the family. No matter where the services take place, you should enter the service quietly and with respect for the family’s loss. If no usher is available to show you to your seat, take a seat wherever you feel comfortable, keeping in mind that the first few rows of seats are usually reserved for family members. Often, a member of the religious community will conduct the service. Eulogies are sometime given, with close friends or family members sharing their thoughts, memories, or stories about the departed with the congregation. If you are asked to speak at the service on behalf of the family or to share your memories about the decreased, you should do what you feel comfortable with. After the funeral service has concluded, exit the building, go to your vehicle, and wait in the line for the funeral procession for the trip to the cemetery. In some parts of the country, it is customary to travel to the cemetery with your car’s headlights on. This will help to identify your vehicle to passing traffic as part of the funeral procession.
At the cemetery
At the graveside service, a member of the clergy will conduct the burial rites. Mourners will have the opportunity to place flowers on the casket as a final goodbye to their loved one. The clergy member will ask for blessings for the assembled congregation, and the service is concluded. You should quietly follow the prompting of the clergy person in attendance.
After the funeral
Once the graveside service has been conducted, many families offer a reception at the home of the deceased. The key thing to remember about the reception is not to overstay your welcome. This is an opportunity to briefly visit with the family to offer your condolences and comfort in their time of need. Offer any assistance that might be needed to help alleviate any stress or pressure on the family, such as helping serve the food, taking people’s coats, directing people to the receiving line, or any other tasks that might be needed.
Knowing the proper things to do and say during a funeral will help to increase everyone’s comfort during the difficult time surrounding a death. The family will have a lot of issues to deal with, under less than ideal circumstances, before, during, and after the funeral. Funeral cover, burial details, life insurance, and a host of other issues will contribute to the family’s stress levels, on top of having to deal with the loss of a loved one. Remember to follow the family’s lead in how to handle a situation, and to offer any assistance they may need. Armed with this advice, you are sure to be a comforting and supportive presence for the family at a time of their greatest need.
